I’m Changing My Name to Stephen King III
From PC3 to SK3 — From Obscure Splatterhead to Bestselling Author!
As indie authors often do, this morning I was contemplating how I could drag myself from the filth-filled gutter of horror writer obscurity, thus emerging on the front lines of fame and fortune, going down in history alongside genre greats like Poe and Lovecraft, with masses of adoring fans throwing money my way and weeping to inhale even a single breath in my presence.
How could I accomplish this? Invest loads of money in advertising? Become a TikTok star by shaking my booty on camera, then trying to sell my books? Write another book and then cross my fingers and say a little prayer that maybe—just maybe!—this will be the one that hits big?
And then the idea hit me. The idea pounded my gray matter like the Losers Club pounded Beverly Marsh—it was shocking and absurd. And it couldn’t be taken back.
The idea is simple: I’m changing my name to Stephen King III!
Before you go suggesting that I’m trying to ride the coattails of the Master of Horror, let me remind you that Stephen is a very common first name. Likewise, King is an equally common last name. Surely you naysayers have heard of the great horror author Stephen R. King, who just happens to bear the same name as Stephen King while also having his name appear very similar to King’s on the cover of his books. It’s a simple coincidence!
Plus, I just like the sound of Stephen King III as a pseudonym. SK3 has a nice ring to it, does it not?
Now, you’re probably wondering how I plan to move forward as SK3. Well, first I’m gonna have to change all my covers. No more covers with my name barely noticeable because of the cover art and title. My name is the important thing! STEPHEN KING III will be plastered from top to bottom, art be damned.
Also, no more novellas. If I’ve written something between 30-40k words, that’s now considered a short story and will be crammed into a collection of other “short stories.” All stand alone stories will now need to be in excess of 800 pages. That’s right, those puny 200-page books PC3 used to write will now be epic doorstops that take up way too much space on the bookshelf.
I’m reworking Grandpappy, making it more like what Stephen King III will be writing. It’s going from a slim buck-fifty to a thousand-page behemoth. For those who have read it, the shockingly depraved Chapter 18 will now be 112 pages long. There will also be a new character introduced—a child with special powers.
Indeed, every story I write will now have a kid with special abilities. And—let me make this clear!—I’m not trying to be like Stephen King by doing this. I just kind of want to write stories about kids that see dead people or start fires with their minds or talk to people without actually talking. Stop trying to connect dots that aren’t there!
All my SK3 books are going to link loosely together, with the same characters popping up in various stories. I’ll bring everything together in my Dark Castle series, which will take me like thirty years to write and will ultimately have an unsatisfying ending and a terrible film adaption (though some folks like Chris Miller and Duncan Ralston will probably like the movie).
Endings are overrated. As SK3, will no longer care so much how a book ends. I’ll write by the seat of my pants with no idea where I’m going with the idea. Wherever the story ends, it ends. It won’t matter if the ending sucks because you, the reader, have already spent twenty bucks and three months of your life reading my thousand-page monster. Be happy!
I will also now claim The Shining movie sucks.
Many of my stories will take place in a fictional town called Rastle Cock.
More kids with special abilities.
Maybe a magical golden retriever will make an appearance. I’ll name him Koontzy.
I’ll sell the movie rights to all my stories multiple times each, so that every new horror movie that comes out is based on an SK3 story.
Lastly, I’ll write some books about kids with special abilities.
Including Vampire Nuns Behind Bars, which will now feature a cybernetic little boy who can read the thoughts of the vampire nuns and make any woman orgasm with the power of his mind.
Wish me luck as Stephen King III!
Sounds like an epic plan!!!